A confused 26-year-old woman is freaking out after discovering her fiancé’s best friend is “secretly gay,” and she is no longer comfortable with “the way they ‘joke’ with each other now.”
“They’ll call each other ‘their bitch’ or ‘homo life partner’, play ‘gay chicken’ (where they slide a hand up each others thigh and see who stops first or move in for a kiss to see who pulls away first), accuse each other of ‘eye raping them’ or ‘being obsessed with my bulge’,” she writes.
In a reddit post titled: “I [25F] recently found out that my fiance’s [26m] friend [26m] is secretly gay and am uncomfortable with the way they “joke” with each other now,” she writes:
His best friend “Bruce”, has known my boyfriend since kindergarten, and I’ve known him for almost as long as I’ve known my boyfriend. Both of them are definitely the athletic “bro” type.
You know how a lot of straight guys do the hyperbolically fauxmo-erotic thing as some sort of weird male bonding ritual? Fuck if I get it, but I’m aware that a lot of guys do it, which is why this hasn’t been a problem for me.
They’ll call each other “their bitch” or “homo life partner”, play “gay chicken” (where they slide a hand up each others thigh and see who stops first or move in for a kiss to see who pulls away first), accuse each other of “eye raping them” or “being obsessed with my bulge”. (My BF also accuses me of “having a serious case of bulge obsession”, which, yes, guilty and kind of funny)
Bruce has always had girlfriends, and has one right now. One of Bruce’s ex-girlfriend’s started working with me a few weeks ago, and we’ve become friends. She revealed to me that Bruce is, if not gay, than at least bisexual. She discovered text messages between him and another man that included nude photos, an app on his phone specifically for gay hookups, and an online dating profile seeking men. When she confronted him about it, he admitted that he was attracted to other men, and they broke up over it. At the time, she felt bad for him, and agreed not to out him.
My SO has no idea yet. I haven’t told him. But, given what I’ve found out, I’m now uncomfortable with the kind of “joking around” that the two of them do. My brother is gay, and I know that outing someone is a pretty messed up thing to do, but I want the physical contact between them to stop. I’m okay with them being friends. They’ve been friends forever, he’s been a good friend to my SO, and I would never “forbid” their friendship. I just don’t want him groping my future husband.
This whole thing is difficult for me and I don’t know how to go forward. I feel like I should tell my SO. I feel like Bruce’s girlfriend, if she doesn’t already know, deserves to know. But I also don’t want to out him against his will.
Tl;dr: My SO and his best friend do the bromoerotic joking type stuff. I recently found out his best friend really is gay. I’m uncomfortable with how they joke around now. I don’t want to out the guy, but I want him to stop touching my BF in a sexualized way. I also feel like my BF and his friend’s girlfriend have a right to know.
One user writes: “Gay people don’t want to screw everyone they meet. Chances are this friend isn’t attracted to your guy.”
Another redditor writes: “So you find out that a close friend of your fiancé is not as straight as you thought. Instead of wondering how you might be supportive – or even wondering if he is at all struggling with sexual orientation, if he doesn’t even share that info with his close friend – your main concern is him groping your future husband. You have a seriously skewed perception of gay people if you automatically assume their first intention is to cop feels on anyone possible. When I started reading, I thought the post was going to be about how to gently encourage your fiancé to find other kinds of jokes since it might make his recently-revealed-as-possibly-gay buddy uncomfortable since they are kind of mocking homosexuality . But no, you assume that you need to defend his virtue?! I hate to break it to you, those jokes were always inappropriate irrespective of anyone’s sexual orientation. And your response to your insecurity is to contemplate outing his friend?? Your insecurity is your own issue, his jokes with his friend and the friend’s sexuality are totally not your business.”
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